if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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