Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
