so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize