I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
