Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Did I show you my penis last night?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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