If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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