I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
