3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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