I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize