I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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