I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the condom got lost in my hair
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
