Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
