I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
