last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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