Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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