I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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