she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
