Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm so fucking centered right now
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
