I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
