apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
