omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
