I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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