please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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