I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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