Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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