Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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