You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
