My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The best revenge is premature balding
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
