Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
