Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize