Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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