So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
