Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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