I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
