Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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