The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
