Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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