Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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