it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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