it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize