you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
