and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
