He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Randomize
