Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
