Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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