Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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