I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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