So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
