i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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