Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
