Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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