i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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