I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
