just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
