It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Randomize
