This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize