i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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