Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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