im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Also, beer. Big fan.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
