Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
