why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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