some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Vodka?
Forever.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
