Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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