I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
