drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
