You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
