My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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