She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize